Im Done..

im done fighting for now... when im ready to recover ill be back... its too much for me now, ill be fine
thanks for reading this far into my dysfuntcional life...
peace
-Sierra

Ive got Ana in my head, Recovery in my heart, and nada in my stomache

... Another great day in the life of Sierra, Ive got a cold, in the summer. So, major headaches, and otherwise not feeling great. Just got back from my little cousins house... Ate aplenty yesterday, but ana is being a little bitch and creepinnn. Yay for body image issues... eh... whatevvss..speaking of body image, i found a picture of my ana face, which, i dont even know, the only thing i get triggered by is my ana body, this just grosses me out, like, i cant belive i used to look like that sort of thing. And yet, im still on a weight-loss trend, you can see how ana's logic makes absolutely sense. I really dont wanna be back in the hospital but, you know how it is... at least the mia side of my disorder has been pretty much absent, she only comes around when stuff is going on now, which is nice... I hate her vicious cycle... plus she does absolultley nada in terms of weight-loss.



Ugh, Im an idiot... just checked my BMI (i know, shoot me)... Im at 19.4 right now... wtf... this is not normal! Ugh... i wanna be like a maximum of 18.5... thats totally healthy... and thats only five pounds less :)... I know i know, Im just a hot mess with ED latley, but, i dont feel like this is a relapse, only a little lapse in my better judgement...

 
-Sierra <3

When the going gets tough, the tough get going (and I hide behind ED)

Wow, I kinda am having the urge to walk in front of a bus. One of the reasons being.... i just spent forever away from my home, away from my comfort zone, and away from my safe food. My one safe food, strawberrys.... why i will eat strawberries but not celery escapes me. Another one of ED's crazy ideas.... and speaking of ED.... it our 1 year ANA-versary (i would think of one for mia buttt this one seemed just perfect)... yup, its been officially a year to the day since I recieved my diagnosis, anorexia with purging syndrome and later bulimia.... sooo.... needless to say, my week has been a total fucking mess... Shall we say BULIMIA... yeah i had almost forgotten all about that part of my disorder, as I have been mostly dealing with ana latley, the little bitch. And now mia's decided she's never gonna let me forget. Binge, binge, purge restrict. And i feel sooo BAD BAD BAD..... but yet... im still living... life is werid that way.

And Ill going to counseler at a sleep away camp on sunday for a week... so... hurray for mac n cheese, pancakes, and other various foods that put me at the danger zone for anxiety...well... at least there is gonna be another girl there that i know who is anorexic, ha... i met her before all this bullshit even happened to the both of us.... hopefully she wont let me slip to far over the edge to the point of no return (aka. relapse.... only for the millionth time)

Okay, well, wish me luck guys <3.. and thanks for reading haha


                                    -Sierra <3

I am NOT ED...

Hmm... sunday, nice outside, plenty of teenagers to hangout with, and what am i doing? Oh yeah, writing a blog.  Well, as you can see from my last posts my day was quite bipolar, probably having to do with the fact im PMSing for the first time in 6 months, along with not taking my meds... sooo.. add the two together and vola, you get an extremley emotionally unstable Sierra! So yeah, ended up having to go back on my anxiety medication which is a total bummer, because I really dont wanna have to rely on medication to keep me even remotley sane.

Another contributing factor to my recent bursts of craziness have been the stress of drama... leave it on highschool to call a girl who spent almost 5 months in and out  (mostly in) of hospitals an "anorexic slut".... whatever, I'm fucking bisexual, shoot me! It does not mean im a slut, and anorexic... is a disease, not a fucking insult. Ugh, sometimes i really hate people. Of course, I dont blame them for thinking what they do, I mean, i guess i havent exactly shown myself to be exactly a normal individual, crazy scars, panicking at grocery stores... but still.

But, in unrelated blogger news, as you may have noticed i gave my blog a little facelift because well, i realised, this blog is all about ED and yes, when i started this ED was my whole life, but now, I have some of my life back, and so I'm making this blog yes about my struggles with ED but also about me, because I, am not just an ana, I now realise I and all the rest of us, ana, and mia, are so much more, even if we dont feel like it. And yeah, let me tell yah, i sure dont feel like it, but, if everyone is telling me so, i guess there must be just a little truth to it haha.

Speaking of me, went to the beach with a friend of mine and yes, i wore a bikini! wohoo... maybe i can shut ED up, if only for a few hours ---->

I am starting to question my sanity here....

Okayy... well... as you can see i was a little cranky in my last post, maybe having to do with the fact that i am an insomniac, or then again, I'm probably depressed butt... as of now riding out a crazy high, ran for a few miles today. And yes, i know what my non-existant readers are saying... "oh sierra, you're ortho, and hypoglycemic!...  not to mention a compulsive excerciser...you shouldnt be running!".... ha, well, this is the reason i love it, it makes me feel amazing, i swear to god, screw heroin, id rather get high off of these crazy endorphines.... so as of now, im feeling great, listening to a little bit of the Chili Peppers, and otherwise relaxing.

In other news... going to my dad's house tommorow... which puts a damper on my day, dont get me wrong. i love my dad to pieces... he's just so, not smart ED wise.... even though his eating is even worse than mine, and he purges as well... ugh, like dad, ur a guy, ur not supposed to care. But EDs run throughout my family, i guess i shouldnt be suprised... ah well... im gonna enjoy my high while it lasts,

love to you all,
Sierra <3

"And here we have a type A Anorexic and troubled teen"

3 letters are describing how i feel right now, FAT.... and yes, ive heard it before, fat is not a feeling, well it sure feels like a feeling to me. Why? you may ask.. do I insist on complaining about how i feel overweight when i know im not?... Example A, after a few weeks of restriction and yes, some weight loss, i began eating again, and what would you know? I got my period back!... yes, its been 6 months, and now, my body is saying that its had enough of my bullshit and is gonna do what it is made to do. Ive also gotten some of my boobs back, which is also freaking me out, wohoo.. its like puberty is hiting all over again. I hate not being able to control my body.

Also on top of this, i had a doctors appointment today, unfourtunatley, my doctor who had been taking care of all my ED stuff, moved to kansas or somethinng, and the primary doctor died. So I had to deal with going through explaining my story to another doctor and a med student. I love how she made me alk about purging, restriction and cutting in front of some guy i dont know, telling him things about anorexia and bulimia as she talked to me. Like I'm some object on display, "Here we have ANOTHER middleclass white girl who has no self-esteem"... thanks doc. So I'm a bit peeved,  not even mentioning, my weight is still 106... which i have a HUGE problem with, im also anemic, hypoglycemic... and i still have orthostatic dehyradration, even "in recovery", im still a medical mess... lovely

-Sierra <3

HA..... and i thought i wa recovering... bravo ED

...Well I havent written for a while, mostly having to do with the fact that i was foolish enough to belive i no longer have an eating disorder because i was able to go about 3 days without b/p or restricting.... Bravo ED ill give you props, you sure know how to string me up like a puppet, i follow your every comand, just wonderful. How i love my abusive relationship....

On a different note... I HATE THERPAY.... wait... i spelled it wrong.. but i think it gets the point across quite nicely,  anyway,my therapist... is making me do MORE DBT... yeah i know, ive been in DBT for over a month and i just got out, wohhoo... back in program, story of my life right? But other than a lovley little lapse of recovery by purging today (I have to go to the beach tommorow, and wear a bikini, give me a break) I have been doing quite well... translation, I feel fat and ugly, and have been eating waayy to much damn food to ever amount to anything. So obiviously its a surprise i havent been isolating at all, in fact, im out almost everyday. Even with another girl from treatment, shes still a twig, which never fails to get jelousy from me, especially when we tried on jeans together but shes fun... we even made out in Dicks sporting goods in front of some REALLY HOT skaters .... haha the look on the guy's faces... pricelesss! unfortuntly i later figured out tht one of those guys is from my hghschool, so that will be fun when vacation is over haha

As of right now, the only major problem ive been having latley is sleeping, I've been taking Ambien.. but whatever. I have been up 3 days in a row... this is getting ridiculous.


Well, heres to a better tommorow and a thinner (did i just say that?) future
-Sierra <3