woot woot! DAY 3

Well they say good things cme in threes right? Eh, i beg to differ. My first binge this week, not my first purging session by far, but still, i used to be losing control EVERDAY, so its an improvement. For once my positive thinking worked! The vitals were MUCH better than yesterday... they were really worried about my blood pressure, but im glad its back up, it was probably just screwed from my horrible weekend. Dreading going back to the IOL tommorow, I really feel the need to restrict, feeling quite, large from eating so much in treatment... 6 meals a day for me until i get my vitals back to, well at least higher than they are now, uggg. Went on a mini-binge, so im happy i could hold back at least a little bit, wohoo! Well anyways i met the rest of the girls in treatment, but its really werid, one is 20-something, and i swear she could pass for 12 or 13... i dont want that to happen to me... i love my boobs, i dont want them to go! I'm one of the only girls who hasnt been in inpatient yet, and I'm the youngest though not by much, but yeah, treatment is going okay, day 4, here i come....

cookie cutter? I wish it was that inocent

Well i have known for a long time that one of my best friend has a little problem, she cuts. Shes great and she gets me because we are both into "self-injury" in one way or another, so i dont have to worry about being called "an insecure girl who has to puke up everything she eats..." (read last post...fml) but my therapist thinks that she is a negative influence on me and my recovery, even though we are both, recovery-minded... as far as im concerned if shell be up all night for me, Ill do the same for her, no matter what my IOL therapist says im not giving up on her, friends cannot be just tossed aside (well at least thts what i thought...), and i refuse to stop trying to help. I'm her friend, i need her, she needs me... thats the way it goes, because we really do all need somebody to lean on.

Woah...

Bad day, boring day... they mean the same thing to me. I'm really not up to seeing anyone right now, even though i know its my ED talking, i feel big...ugg. Plus today, after a particularly violent..episode i noticed something really werid. Well i was trying to pluck my eyebrows and i kept seeing double of the tweezers, Im kinda werided out, but looking forward to more treatment tommorow, i have some shit i need to work out... alot in fact.

Oh just some more positive thinking

WARNING: Im completly and utterly positive (as always)... once again I've failed, I did it again, binging. Holy hell i feel like ive been failing at everything, I've gained a pound and I broke my meal plan. I wemt completly fucking insane last night and yeah I'm the little bulimic who cant resist food. I failed at anorexia (I used to struggle with that) I'm failing at recovery. And yeah I'm pretty much failing at life.... but on the bright side... hopefully I'll pass out again before I go a little crazy.

-Sierra

My first day in treatment (and the night after)

Well surprisingly enough, my first day of treatment wasn't the hell i was expecting. Making it through breakfast was tough though... and my meal plan makes me feel like I'm constantly eating. Sadly, I'm still stuck at the supervised table, i couldnt finish breakfast or snack, though i managed to get through lunch. The girls were not at all like i thought they would be...no cliquish thing, so over all, though the meals SUCKED, the day wasnt horrrible, better than school at least. The night after was HELL though. The girls at the IOL (Institute of Living) all told me that emotions and shit come back once you feed your body, but i really didnt belive them.... until i started crying for no reason and completely freaking out. I felt like shit and was crying and screaming... I felt pretty fucking insane, i even started like talking to food (I know, im schizo). But yeah it was pretty messed up, I was starting to scare my cousins so my mom took them, but she wouldnt leave me alone because she thought i was gonna slit my wrists or something... needless to say, crazy shit. But the worst part was i couldnt take it, so i stopped it, by getting rid of the thing that was causing my temporary insanity.... the food. So i guess that means im back to square one now, but tonight i think i may have to make it through without popping a few of my cousins metatonin (sleeping pills)... well wish me luck, tonight i guess i go insane.


-Sierra

Bad Sierra! no food for you!

Wohhoo for self punishment! I admitt it i broke my streak... I ate something and hve to punish myself sccordingly... just fucking lovley. Refraining from a binge...even though i ate some of my weakness (peanutbutter..i love tht shit, and 210 cal. per serving... :P blech) i think ive done pretty good for what i normally eat...


-Sierra
(i dont think i deserve a heart today)

Intake (Starting tommorow)

Today I was take into the out-patient eating disorder program at the Institute of Living at Harford Hospital. I saw a few girls in the waiting room, they looked at me werid, im hopig this won't be some little cliquish girl thing. I was expecting to see a bunch of stick-skinny girls there, but only one i could tell was that bad. The others were normal looking, like me. I really feel intstitutionalized (which i guess i am haha), they check our napkins and cups to make sure we arent skipping meals, ad tommorow i have to start at the "supervised table". I don't know if i can do this... 2 meals and 1 snack a day? I never eat more than one meal a day, i dont know. I havent eaten anything all day. Im kinda proud of myself in a totally sick, bulimic person sort of way, i never am able to make it through binge-hour without totally, well, binging. Im nervous about my first day tommorow, i wonder what everyone will think of me, i really dont want to have "buddies" (the people that welcome you into the facility) as my only friends for the duration of my stay. Oh well, good thoughts to sleep on.

-Sierra <3

Binging.... i cant control myself

I start treatment tommorow... Im so fucking scared its not even funny... im eating just about anything in my house... peanut butter..anything. But there nothing, i feel like shit and i cant control myself. My stomach hurts i need to purge... i hve to, its not an option. Will treatment be able to help me? My optimism is slipping away with each oreo i eat. :'(.... help me please, i cant take this life anymore

-Sierra <3

My story

Hey, my name is Sierra, I play guitar, i love music... and I struggle with bulimia nervosa. For the past yeat my life has been withering away due to this disease and my days have been dedicated to the constant binge and purge cycle. So far my story has an edgy beginning and no definate ending, but I'm working to change that. To be honest, I'm quite the screw-up... I've struggled with both crash-dieting and anorexia nervosa, but so far this has had the greatest hold on me, and yeah I've definatly done some things i regret. I am not a stick-skinny person, and im not that preppy girl who always calls herself fat and tells people she needs to lose weight, I am pretty good about hiding my disorder from my friends/ boyfriends... but the doctor isnt so easy to fool :/... yeah I'm fucked up, but when we look inside...we all are to some degree, this is the story of my road to recovery. I start treatment at the Hartford Hospital Institute of Living tommorow, its gonna be hell, but hey, so is life right now...maybe turning everything upside down would be a change for the better.


-Sierra <3