Im Done..

im done fighting for now... when im ready to recover ill be back... its too much for me now, ill be fine
thanks for reading this far into my dysfuntcional life...
peace
-Sierra

Ive got Ana in my head, Recovery in my heart, and nada in my stomache

... Another great day in the life of Sierra, Ive got a cold, in the summer. So, major headaches, and otherwise not feeling great. Just got back from my little cousins house... Ate aplenty yesterday, but ana is being a little bitch and creepinnn. Yay for body image issues... eh... whatevvss..speaking of body image, i found a picture of my ana face, which, i dont even know, the only thing i get triggered by is my ana body, this just grosses me out, like, i cant belive i used to look like that sort of thing. And yet, im still on a weight-loss trend, you can see how ana's logic makes absolutely sense. I really dont wanna be back in the hospital but, you know how it is... at least the mia side of my disorder has been pretty much absent, she only comes around when stuff is going on now, which is nice... I hate her vicious cycle... plus she does absolultley nada in terms of weight-loss.



Ugh, Im an idiot... just checked my BMI (i know, shoot me)... Im at 19.4 right now... wtf... this is not normal! Ugh... i wanna be like a maximum of 18.5... thats totally healthy... and thats only five pounds less :)... I know i know, Im just a hot mess with ED latley, but, i dont feel like this is a relapse, only a little lapse in my better judgement...

 
-Sierra <3

When the going gets tough, the tough get going (and I hide behind ED)

Wow, I kinda am having the urge to walk in front of a bus. One of the reasons being.... i just spent forever away from my home, away from my comfort zone, and away from my safe food. My one safe food, strawberrys.... why i will eat strawberries but not celery escapes me. Another one of ED's crazy ideas.... and speaking of ED.... it our 1 year ANA-versary (i would think of one for mia buttt this one seemed just perfect)... yup, its been officially a year to the day since I recieved my diagnosis, anorexia with purging syndrome and later bulimia.... sooo.... needless to say, my week has been a total fucking mess... Shall we say BULIMIA... yeah i had almost forgotten all about that part of my disorder, as I have been mostly dealing with ana latley, the little bitch. And now mia's decided she's never gonna let me forget. Binge, binge, purge restrict. And i feel sooo BAD BAD BAD..... but yet... im still living... life is werid that way.

And Ill going to counseler at a sleep away camp on sunday for a week... so... hurray for mac n cheese, pancakes, and other various foods that put me at the danger zone for anxiety...well... at least there is gonna be another girl there that i know who is anorexic, ha... i met her before all this bullshit even happened to the both of us.... hopefully she wont let me slip to far over the edge to the point of no return (aka. relapse.... only for the millionth time)

Okay, well, wish me luck guys <3.. and thanks for reading haha


                                    -Sierra <3

I am NOT ED...

Hmm... sunday, nice outside, plenty of teenagers to hangout with, and what am i doing? Oh yeah, writing a blog.  Well, as you can see from my last posts my day was quite bipolar, probably having to do with the fact im PMSing for the first time in 6 months, along with not taking my meds... sooo.. add the two together and vola, you get an extremley emotionally unstable Sierra! So yeah, ended up having to go back on my anxiety medication which is a total bummer, because I really dont wanna have to rely on medication to keep me even remotley sane.

Another contributing factor to my recent bursts of craziness have been the stress of drama... leave it on highschool to call a girl who spent almost 5 months in and out  (mostly in) of hospitals an "anorexic slut".... whatever, I'm fucking bisexual, shoot me! It does not mean im a slut, and anorexic... is a disease, not a fucking insult. Ugh, sometimes i really hate people. Of course, I dont blame them for thinking what they do, I mean, i guess i havent exactly shown myself to be exactly a normal individual, crazy scars, panicking at grocery stores... but still.

But, in unrelated blogger news, as you may have noticed i gave my blog a little facelift because well, i realised, this blog is all about ED and yes, when i started this ED was my whole life, but now, I have some of my life back, and so I'm making this blog yes about my struggles with ED but also about me, because I, am not just an ana, I now realise I and all the rest of us, ana, and mia, are so much more, even if we dont feel like it. And yeah, let me tell yah, i sure dont feel like it, but, if everyone is telling me so, i guess there must be just a little truth to it haha.

Speaking of me, went to the beach with a friend of mine and yes, i wore a bikini! wohoo... maybe i can shut ED up, if only for a few hours ---->

I am starting to question my sanity here....

Okayy... well... as you can see i was a little cranky in my last post, maybe having to do with the fact that i am an insomniac, or then again, I'm probably depressed butt... as of now riding out a crazy high, ran for a few miles today. And yes, i know what my non-existant readers are saying... "oh sierra, you're ortho, and hypoglycemic!...  not to mention a compulsive excerciser...you shouldnt be running!".... ha, well, this is the reason i love it, it makes me feel amazing, i swear to god, screw heroin, id rather get high off of these crazy endorphines.... so as of now, im feeling great, listening to a little bit of the Chili Peppers, and otherwise relaxing.

In other news... going to my dad's house tommorow... which puts a damper on my day, dont get me wrong. i love my dad to pieces... he's just so, not smart ED wise.... even though his eating is even worse than mine, and he purges as well... ugh, like dad, ur a guy, ur not supposed to care. But EDs run throughout my family, i guess i shouldnt be suprised... ah well... im gonna enjoy my high while it lasts,

love to you all,
Sierra <3

"And here we have a type A Anorexic and troubled teen"

3 letters are describing how i feel right now, FAT.... and yes, ive heard it before, fat is not a feeling, well it sure feels like a feeling to me. Why? you may ask.. do I insist on complaining about how i feel overweight when i know im not?... Example A, after a few weeks of restriction and yes, some weight loss, i began eating again, and what would you know? I got my period back!... yes, its been 6 months, and now, my body is saying that its had enough of my bullshit and is gonna do what it is made to do. Ive also gotten some of my boobs back, which is also freaking me out, wohoo.. its like puberty is hiting all over again. I hate not being able to control my body.

Also on top of this, i had a doctors appointment today, unfourtunatley, my doctor who had been taking care of all my ED stuff, moved to kansas or somethinng, and the primary doctor died. So I had to deal with going through explaining my story to another doctor and a med student. I love how she made me alk about purging, restriction and cutting in front of some guy i dont know, telling him things about anorexia and bulimia as she talked to me. Like I'm some object on display, "Here we have ANOTHER middleclass white girl who has no self-esteem"... thanks doc. So I'm a bit peeved,  not even mentioning, my weight is still 106... which i have a HUGE problem with, im also anemic, hypoglycemic... and i still have orthostatic dehyradration, even "in recovery", im still a medical mess... lovely

-Sierra <3

HA..... and i thought i wa recovering... bravo ED

...Well I havent written for a while, mostly having to do with the fact that i was foolish enough to belive i no longer have an eating disorder because i was able to go about 3 days without b/p or restricting.... Bravo ED ill give you props, you sure know how to string me up like a puppet, i follow your every comand, just wonderful. How i love my abusive relationship....

On a different note... I HATE THERPAY.... wait... i spelled it wrong.. but i think it gets the point across quite nicely,  anyway,my therapist... is making me do MORE DBT... yeah i know, ive been in DBT for over a month and i just got out, wohhoo... back in program, story of my life right? But other than a lovley little lapse of recovery by purging today (I have to go to the beach tommorow, and wear a bikini, give me a break) I have been doing quite well... translation, I feel fat and ugly, and have been eating waayy to much damn food to ever amount to anything. So obiviously its a surprise i havent been isolating at all, in fact, im out almost everyday. Even with another girl from treatment, shes still a twig, which never fails to get jelousy from me, especially when we tried on jeans together but shes fun... we even made out in Dicks sporting goods in front of some REALLY HOT skaters .... haha the look on the guy's faces... pricelesss! unfortuntly i later figured out tht one of those guys is from my hghschool, so that will be fun when vacation is over haha

As of right now, the only major problem ive been having latley is sleeping, I've been taking Ambien.. but whatever. I have been up 3 days in a row... this is getting ridiculous.


Well, heres to a better tommorow and a thinner (did i just say that?) future
-Sierra <3

ED and Erin

Despite plans to restrict.... I managed to squeeze down my 1500 calories, and keep it down! Though in reality I am punching myself for not going through with my plans, i know i need to keep my weight stable at the 106 i managed to obtain in treatment, even if i hate it. Still getting half my calories through a straw but working on increasing my actual food intake.

On a different note, i have a bonfire tonight (one of the main reasons i ate..... drinking+senior guys- food= bad bad idea) so one thing i can be happy about. I also recieved a letter from my friend in treatment, the one person i was able to be completly open with, told her about my sucicidal ideaologies (no longer an issue), she walked in on me purging, cutting... and still came to give me a hug when i needed one. We were really tight, skipping groups, smoking in the bathroom and taking our illegal "Renfrew Walks" off campus to buy soda and gum at the store haha. Oh Erin... i miss you so much. But yeah, her letter brightened my day cuz even though she had been through lots.... (as in deep deep cutting, meth addiction, sexual abuse, 4 sucicide attempts, and a feeding tube) she is still really chill and approachable. In fact he was the only person i can cry around, i never cry in front of people... never. And she was also the only person i know who would help me wipe the blood off my legs and arms, let me cry, and tell me it would be okay...even when she was triggered herself..... the world would be a much better place if there were  more people like miss Erin Carey <3... and most importantly she helped open my eyes to the fact tht, if your a good person.... no one cares what you look like, if Erin had been overweight or ugly (she wasn't... she had a body type similar to my own, which is average size) i still would've been amazed by her.... damn.... i really miss tht girl.....and it makes me so happy to finally hear from her, and actually inspires me to do my best eating..... In my mind, we all need a person like that, one who understands, and for those of us with eating disorders, someonbe like tht can be so hard to find.


-Sierra <3

Mia, Mia, Mia.... when will you ever learn?

Binge-purge..... all fucking week. Ug... and just as me and Ana were building our realtionship back up.... well anyways.... I have many contributers to my enhanced stress and descion-making levels.... both majorr factorsss into my binges. One being kyle, the 16 yr old begging for sex.... then there's my douchebag daddy, asking me for diet advice, and of course lets not forget the whole stitches episode and trying to stay clean of any cutting.

Plus, a friend of mine recently over-dosed, luckily she survived, and is out of the hspital but I am worried sick. I love her like a sister, and we've been through everything at Renfrew. Cutting, Purging, weight gain... everything. It would've literally killed me ED wise if she had died, who knew my pysche was so fragile, one horrible day sets  over the edge for a week or two... that cant be expert probelm-solving skills.....funny, i was a future problem solver in the 5th grade.... now its the future and look at my beautiful damn problem solving.... binging and purging the pain away....

Ah well, here's to a better body image, more to life, and a healthier obsession... peace.

-Sierra <3

Dear Ana...

Ah well fun visit to my dads house yesterday... Oh yes my daughter just got out of Treatment for anorexia and bulimia so I think I'll talk about my atkins diets and make ribs and cinnamon ice cream for dinner.... Thanks dad. So needless to say I have no sense of self-worth so icouldnt bear to tell him I'm vegetarian yet again, it been months... But he always goes on about how he thinks vegetarians are stupid. And then of course he gets of on asking ME for diet advice.... Oh sure we anorexics know how to drop weight but seriously dad. Just a lovley day over all and of course he had a scale in his bathroom.... Oh I just couldnt resist the allure of the scale... dropping 4 pounds in 4 days of heavy restriction? Is that even possible? I won't pretend that I don't absolutly love and crave it but my nutrtionist is gonna shoot me! Ah well, right now that I haven't been binge/ purging this restriction is just too delicious fir me to give up....Dear Ana.... I have to say our love-hate relationship is heating up now that MIA has pretty much deserted me since my trip to residential and inpatient....

Stitch me back up when I'm falling apart

well the last few days have been fun... Losing weight and of course my warped little brain absolutly loves it..urgg and then of course I had to be rushed to the ER after a particularlly messy cutting incident, needless to say came back home with a few new stitches... Just wonderful, and the worst part is, the only part of that night I remeber was the look on the nurses face as she was stitching me back together again...disgust. Is that really who I am? The girl in the ER, the girl on IVs and weight gain therapy, the girl with scars running up and down her arms ( legs, ankles) I don't want to be that person... Please help me, I need to feel something besides hurt, besides pain.... At least this time I had someone to stitch me back together when I've fallen apart once again.

Positive thinking and the Posessed bracelets

Okay, interesting weekend, basicly my whole weekend revovlved around bracelet..buttt...dont be mistaken, these arent just any bracelets... these are the positivity bracelets... I dont really know what it means but I think they have like an energy to them beacause im feeling pretty positive about possibly (probably) heading to ANOTHER residential... Mcclean in Boston... which I was NOT happy about when my therapist (who i secretly get hate vibes from... i swear) told me I had to go about a week ago.... of course, kicking and screaming, i managed to get out of it, but theyre re-evaluating june 16th and its not looking good.... but yet, see, positivity... I swear these bracelets have some sort of power i was unaware of when i bought them....

feeling postitive? hmmm.... not like me... ah well, might as well enjoy it right?

-Sierra <3

My eating disorder is a stalker

I admit it, i have a stalker....well sort of...he's half girl, half boy, half my best friend, half total creeper who secretly is trying to kill me.... and he has three names.... can you guess who this mystery figure is?

Thats right, Ed, Ana, Mia.... whatever you like to call him, personally at this stage im going to call him Ed, becausee.... hes just been being a total creeper latley... like yesterday with my first purging session in awhile.... so very disappointing... i thought i was just falling back into anorexia rather than going back to BOTH eating disorders... urggg...oh ED... ur such a creep, I'm thinking I should get a restraining order in place.....


On a different note, today is going pretty well... actually ate almost what im supposed to... still not totally there but whatever, its an improvment as me and Ana have been pretty tight latley... Though it was kinda hard not eating anything at our cookout when i was trying not to restrict because nobody brought salad or veggie burgers so I, the sad little eating-disordered vegetarian just kinda sat around... the fact that there was nothing that wasnt once a cute little cow or pig for me to eat is rather alarming as my recovery-obsessed mother usually loads up on soy-sausages (gross by the way) hoping to get something down my throat... maybe shes finally given up on me... who knows?


-Sierra <3

Chilling like a..... bisexual?

Im happy... well thats a first buttt i have a reason! Meeting up with a friend later who doesnt think I'm insane for having a panic attack in home ec. class beacuse we were baking cookies.... yes, I've done that... aren't i just the picture of a normal teenager?

Ah well, excited as hell to be chillin with someone alot like me... yes shes bulimic, a self-harmer, and bisexual.... so far we have 3 things in common ha. So im happy to be seeing her again.

It was a very interesting day today... with the GI appointment, surgical procedure, and IV fluids.... man im wiped... so i guess ill just sit here and drink my tea and listen to some music... oh yeah, chillen like a... lets see cutter, anorexic, bisexual.... hell ill just settle for villian like normal people do haha... love to you all <3

-Sierra <3

Having treatment shoved down my throat (wait, literally?! )

Yup, I managed to snag myself yet another place at the hospital.. but gladly, this time its not an overnighter. GI appointment tommorow for an endoscopy, what is an endoscopy you might ask and why is this dumbas 14 yr old getting one? Well in short, they drug you up and stick a tube down your throat to make sure everything is just peachy down in your espophagus...HA! yep, im a hardcore bulimic, my throat is bound to be the picture of health, ah well... might as well enjoy the day, considering i get to spend it pretty much (legally :)) stoned and get to ditch a few classes :)

Ensure on the rocks

Hey, well my journey has been interesting lately.... im back from Renfrew Center for eating disorders in the lovley state of Philedelphia... Oh how I loved it there, weight gain, panic attacks, and many many tears. Well I went through the system, left on locked bathrooms, sharps restriction, behavioral bedrest.... needless to say, Renfrew, not exactly the right prgram for me haha. Though i have to say, I did meet some great friends there, talking, smoking, skipping group, yeah we were regular badasses... that is until it came down to the meals, pulling eachother out of the bathrooms, running around taking away sharp objects, picking the locks on the bathroom door, oh how desprete we eating disordered children get. If it wasnt me, it might even be comical, but as of now, I am out of the hospital and plopped right back where i was a month or two ago, back at school, back at home, back in therapy haha. I'm doing alright so far, not so much purging, but more reverting back to my anorexic and self-harming tendencys...arent i fucked up? lets see.... eating disordered, bisexual, self-injuring, vegetarian..... yup, thats me :). Well, right now, working on rocking this whole "recovery" thingie they keep talking about, and hey, maybe someday ill be the next Jenni Schafear... but for now.... I think ill just sip at my drink of choice...Ensure on the rocks.... yum, my favorite!

-Sierra <3

Woahhh...... im insanneeee

Well its official.... im leaving the IOL... actually today was my last day, and ima miss all the girls there... everyone has been really supportive. Im coming to realize that maybe going resdidential will be good for me... it will definatly be good to be miles away from my family right about now haha. Well i cant really bring myself to start packing right now... it would make it too official, which i know is stupid considering I leave for the Renfrew Center tommorow. But, as you know im the expert at avoiding :)... so hopefully ill be able to get some sleep tonight... and find a place to hide my "contraband" for the center ((hey..never sai i was gonna be perfect haha))

-Sierra <3

Struggling....

Well i thought the intensive out-patient program would be more than enough help for me.... turns out even with the addition of a little prozac, im still struggling to eat my meal plan at home.... so im being transfered to a residential program... the full effect hasnt really hit me yet, but i know that this just isnt enough for my ED. Im kinda scared to be living away from home ad in a mental hospital no less....but im not even sure, ive just been getting worse and worse so this could be a change for the better :/

woot woot! DAY 3

Well they say good things cme in threes right? Eh, i beg to differ. My first binge this week, not my first purging session by far, but still, i used to be losing control EVERDAY, so its an improvement. For once my positive thinking worked! The vitals were MUCH better than yesterday... they were really worried about my blood pressure, but im glad its back up, it was probably just screwed from my horrible weekend. Dreading going back to the IOL tommorow, I really feel the need to restrict, feeling quite, large from eating so much in treatment... 6 meals a day for me until i get my vitals back to, well at least higher than they are now, uggg. Went on a mini-binge, so im happy i could hold back at least a little bit, wohoo! Well anyways i met the rest of the girls in treatment, but its really werid, one is 20-something, and i swear she could pass for 12 or 13... i dont want that to happen to me... i love my boobs, i dont want them to go! I'm one of the only girls who hasnt been in inpatient yet, and I'm the youngest though not by much, but yeah, treatment is going okay, day 4, here i come....

cookie cutter? I wish it was that inocent

Well i have known for a long time that one of my best friend has a little problem, she cuts. Shes great and she gets me because we are both into "self-injury" in one way or another, so i dont have to worry about being called "an insecure girl who has to puke up everything she eats..." (read last post...fml) but my therapist thinks that she is a negative influence on me and my recovery, even though we are both, recovery-minded... as far as im concerned if shell be up all night for me, Ill do the same for her, no matter what my IOL therapist says im not giving up on her, friends cannot be just tossed aside (well at least thts what i thought...), and i refuse to stop trying to help. I'm her friend, i need her, she needs me... thats the way it goes, because we really do all need somebody to lean on.

Woah...

Bad day, boring day... they mean the same thing to me. I'm really not up to seeing anyone right now, even though i know its my ED talking, i feel big...ugg. Plus today, after a particularly violent..episode i noticed something really werid. Well i was trying to pluck my eyebrows and i kept seeing double of the tweezers, Im kinda werided out, but looking forward to more treatment tommorow, i have some shit i need to work out... alot in fact.

Oh just some more positive thinking

WARNING: Im completly and utterly positive (as always)... once again I've failed, I did it again, binging. Holy hell i feel like ive been failing at everything, I've gained a pound and I broke my meal plan. I wemt completly fucking insane last night and yeah I'm the little bulimic who cant resist food. I failed at anorexia (I used to struggle with that) I'm failing at recovery. And yeah I'm pretty much failing at life.... but on the bright side... hopefully I'll pass out again before I go a little crazy.

-Sierra

My first day in treatment (and the night after)

Well surprisingly enough, my first day of treatment wasn't the hell i was expecting. Making it through breakfast was tough though... and my meal plan makes me feel like I'm constantly eating. Sadly, I'm still stuck at the supervised table, i couldnt finish breakfast or snack, though i managed to get through lunch. The girls were not at all like i thought they would be...no cliquish thing, so over all, though the meals SUCKED, the day wasnt horrrible, better than school at least. The night after was HELL though. The girls at the IOL (Institute of Living) all told me that emotions and shit come back once you feed your body, but i really didnt belive them.... until i started crying for no reason and completely freaking out. I felt like shit and was crying and screaming... I felt pretty fucking insane, i even started like talking to food (I know, im schizo). But yeah it was pretty messed up, I was starting to scare my cousins so my mom took them, but she wouldnt leave me alone because she thought i was gonna slit my wrists or something... needless to say, crazy shit. But the worst part was i couldnt take it, so i stopped it, by getting rid of the thing that was causing my temporary insanity.... the food. So i guess that means im back to square one now, but tonight i think i may have to make it through without popping a few of my cousins metatonin (sleeping pills)... well wish me luck, tonight i guess i go insane.


-Sierra

Bad Sierra! no food for you!

Wohhoo for self punishment! I admitt it i broke my streak... I ate something and hve to punish myself sccordingly... just fucking lovley. Refraining from a binge...even though i ate some of my weakness (peanutbutter..i love tht shit, and 210 cal. per serving... :P blech) i think ive done pretty good for what i normally eat...


-Sierra
(i dont think i deserve a heart today)

Intake (Starting tommorow)

Today I was take into the out-patient eating disorder program at the Institute of Living at Harford Hospital. I saw a few girls in the waiting room, they looked at me werid, im hopig this won't be some little cliquish girl thing. I was expecting to see a bunch of stick-skinny girls there, but only one i could tell was that bad. The others were normal looking, like me. I really feel intstitutionalized (which i guess i am haha), they check our napkins and cups to make sure we arent skipping meals, ad tommorow i have to start at the "supervised table". I don't know if i can do this... 2 meals and 1 snack a day? I never eat more than one meal a day, i dont know. I havent eaten anything all day. Im kinda proud of myself in a totally sick, bulimic person sort of way, i never am able to make it through binge-hour without totally, well, binging. Im nervous about my first day tommorow, i wonder what everyone will think of me, i really dont want to have "buddies" (the people that welcome you into the facility) as my only friends for the duration of my stay. Oh well, good thoughts to sleep on.

-Sierra <3

Binging.... i cant control myself

I start treatment tommorow... Im so fucking scared its not even funny... im eating just about anything in my house... peanut butter..anything. But there nothing, i feel like shit and i cant control myself. My stomach hurts i need to purge... i hve to, its not an option. Will treatment be able to help me? My optimism is slipping away with each oreo i eat. :'(.... help me please, i cant take this life anymore

-Sierra <3

My story

Hey, my name is Sierra, I play guitar, i love music... and I struggle with bulimia nervosa. For the past yeat my life has been withering away due to this disease and my days have been dedicated to the constant binge and purge cycle. So far my story has an edgy beginning and no definate ending, but I'm working to change that. To be honest, I'm quite the screw-up... I've struggled with both crash-dieting and anorexia nervosa, but so far this has had the greatest hold on me, and yeah I've definatly done some things i regret. I am not a stick-skinny person, and im not that preppy girl who always calls herself fat and tells people she needs to lose weight, I am pretty good about hiding my disorder from my friends/ boyfriends... but the doctor isnt so easy to fool :/... yeah I'm fucked up, but when we look inside...we all are to some degree, this is the story of my road to recovery. I start treatment at the Hartford Hospital Institute of Living tommorow, its gonna be hell, but hey, so is life right now...maybe turning everything upside down would be a change for the better.


-Sierra <3