Despite plans to restrict.... I managed to squeeze down my 1500 calories, and keep it down! Though in reality I am punching myself for not going through with my plans, i know i need to keep my weight stable at the 106 i managed to obtain in treatment, even if i hate it. Still getting half my calories through a straw but working on increasing my actual food intake.
On a different note, i have a bonfire tonight (one of the main reasons i ate..... drinking+senior guys- food= bad bad idea) so one thing i can be happy about. I also recieved a letter from my friend in treatment, the one person i was able to be completly open with, told her about my sucicidal ideaologies (no longer an issue), she walked in on me purging, cutting... and still came to give me a hug when i needed one. We were really tight, skipping groups, smoking in the bathroom and taking our illegal "Renfrew Walks" off campus to buy soda and gum at the store haha. Oh Erin... i miss you so much. But yeah, her letter brightened my day cuz even though she had been through lots.... (as in deep deep cutting, meth addiction, sexual abuse, 4 sucicide attempts, and a feeding tube) she is still really chill and approachable. In fact he was the only person i can cry around, i never cry in front of people... never. And she was also the only person i know who would help me wipe the blood off my legs and arms, let me cry, and tell me it would be okay...even when she was triggered herself..... the world would be a much better place if there were more people like miss Erin Carey <3... and most importantly she helped open my eyes to the fact tht, if your a good person.... no one cares what you look like, if Erin had been overweight or ugly (she wasn't... she had a body type similar to my own, which is average size) i still would've been amazed by her.... damn.... i really miss tht girl.....and it makes me so happy to finally hear from her, and actually inspires me to do my best eating..... In my mind, we all need a person like that, one who understands, and for those of us with eating disorders, someonbe like tht can be so hard to find.
-Sierra <3
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