Im Done..

im done fighting for now... when im ready to recover ill be back... its too much for me now, ill be fine
thanks for reading this far into my dysfuntcional life...
peace
-Sierra

Ive got Ana in my head, Recovery in my heart, and nada in my stomache

... Another great day in the life of Sierra, Ive got a cold, in the summer. So, major headaches, and otherwise not feeling great. Just got back from my little cousins house... Ate aplenty yesterday, but ana is being a little bitch and creepinnn. Yay for body image issues... eh... whatevvss..speaking of body image, i found a picture of my ana face, which, i dont even know, the only thing i get triggered by is my ana body, this just grosses me out, like, i cant belive i used to look like that sort of thing. And yet, im still on a weight-loss trend, you can see how ana's logic makes absolutely sense. I really dont wanna be back in the hospital but, you know how it is... at least the mia side of my disorder has been pretty much absent, she only comes around when stuff is going on now, which is nice... I hate her vicious cycle... plus she does absolultley nada in terms of weight-loss.



Ugh, Im an idiot... just checked my BMI (i know, shoot me)... Im at 19.4 right now... wtf... this is not normal! Ugh... i wanna be like a maximum of 18.5... thats totally healthy... and thats only five pounds less :)... I know i know, Im just a hot mess with ED latley, but, i dont feel like this is a relapse, only a little lapse in my better judgement...

 
-Sierra <3

When the going gets tough, the tough get going (and I hide behind ED)

Wow, I kinda am having the urge to walk in front of a bus. One of the reasons being.... i just spent forever away from my home, away from my comfort zone, and away from my safe food. My one safe food, strawberrys.... why i will eat strawberries but not celery escapes me. Another one of ED's crazy ideas.... and speaking of ED.... it our 1 year ANA-versary (i would think of one for mia buttt this one seemed just perfect)... yup, its been officially a year to the day since I recieved my diagnosis, anorexia with purging syndrome and later bulimia.... sooo.... needless to say, my week has been a total fucking mess... Shall we say BULIMIA... yeah i had almost forgotten all about that part of my disorder, as I have been mostly dealing with ana latley, the little bitch. And now mia's decided she's never gonna let me forget. Binge, binge, purge restrict. And i feel sooo BAD BAD BAD..... but yet... im still living... life is werid that way.

And Ill going to counseler at a sleep away camp on sunday for a week... so... hurray for mac n cheese, pancakes, and other various foods that put me at the danger zone for anxiety...well... at least there is gonna be another girl there that i know who is anorexic, ha... i met her before all this bullshit even happened to the both of us.... hopefully she wont let me slip to far over the edge to the point of no return (aka. relapse.... only for the millionth time)

Okay, well, wish me luck guys <3.. and thanks for reading haha


                                    -Sierra <3

I am NOT ED...

Hmm... sunday, nice outside, plenty of teenagers to hangout with, and what am i doing? Oh yeah, writing a blog.  Well, as you can see from my last posts my day was quite bipolar, probably having to do with the fact im PMSing for the first time in 6 months, along with not taking my meds... sooo.. add the two together and vola, you get an extremley emotionally unstable Sierra! So yeah, ended up having to go back on my anxiety medication which is a total bummer, because I really dont wanna have to rely on medication to keep me even remotley sane.

Another contributing factor to my recent bursts of craziness have been the stress of drama... leave it on highschool to call a girl who spent almost 5 months in and out  (mostly in) of hospitals an "anorexic slut".... whatever, I'm fucking bisexual, shoot me! It does not mean im a slut, and anorexic... is a disease, not a fucking insult. Ugh, sometimes i really hate people. Of course, I dont blame them for thinking what they do, I mean, i guess i havent exactly shown myself to be exactly a normal individual, crazy scars, panicking at grocery stores... but still.

But, in unrelated blogger news, as you may have noticed i gave my blog a little facelift because well, i realised, this blog is all about ED and yes, when i started this ED was my whole life, but now, I have some of my life back, and so I'm making this blog yes about my struggles with ED but also about me, because I, am not just an ana, I now realise I and all the rest of us, ana, and mia, are so much more, even if we dont feel like it. And yeah, let me tell yah, i sure dont feel like it, but, if everyone is telling me so, i guess there must be just a little truth to it haha.

Speaking of me, went to the beach with a friend of mine and yes, i wore a bikini! wohoo... maybe i can shut ED up, if only for a few hours ---->