I am starting to question my sanity here....

Okayy... well... as you can see i was a little cranky in my last post, maybe having to do with the fact that i am an insomniac, or then again, I'm probably depressed butt... as of now riding out a crazy high, ran for a few miles today. And yes, i know what my non-existant readers are saying... "oh sierra, you're ortho, and hypoglycemic!...  not to mention a compulsive excerciser...you shouldnt be running!".... ha, well, this is the reason i love it, it makes me feel amazing, i swear to god, screw heroin, id rather get high off of these crazy endorphines.... so as of now, im feeling great, listening to a little bit of the Chili Peppers, and otherwise relaxing.

In other news... going to my dad's house tommorow... which puts a damper on my day, dont get me wrong. i love my dad to pieces... he's just so, not smart ED wise.... even though his eating is even worse than mine, and he purges as well... ugh, like dad, ur a guy, ur not supposed to care. But EDs run throughout my family, i guess i shouldnt be suprised... ah well... im gonna enjoy my high while it lasts,

love to you all,
Sierra <3

"And here we have a type A Anorexic and troubled teen"

3 letters are describing how i feel right now, FAT.... and yes, ive heard it before, fat is not a feeling, well it sure feels like a feeling to me. Why? you may ask.. do I insist on complaining about how i feel overweight when i know im not?... Example A, after a few weeks of restriction and yes, some weight loss, i began eating again, and what would you know? I got my period back!... yes, its been 6 months, and now, my body is saying that its had enough of my bullshit and is gonna do what it is made to do. Ive also gotten some of my boobs back, which is also freaking me out, wohoo.. its like puberty is hiting all over again. I hate not being able to control my body.

Also on top of this, i had a doctors appointment today, unfourtunatley, my doctor who had been taking care of all my ED stuff, moved to kansas or somethinng, and the primary doctor died. So I had to deal with going through explaining my story to another doctor and a med student. I love how she made me alk about purging, restriction and cutting in front of some guy i dont know, telling him things about anorexia and bulimia as she talked to me. Like I'm some object on display, "Here we have ANOTHER middleclass white girl who has no self-esteem"... thanks doc. So I'm a bit peeved,  not even mentioning, my weight is still 106... which i have a HUGE problem with, im also anemic, hypoglycemic... and i still have orthostatic dehyradration, even "in recovery", im still a medical mess... lovely

-Sierra <3

HA..... and i thought i wa recovering... bravo ED

...Well I havent written for a while, mostly having to do with the fact that i was foolish enough to belive i no longer have an eating disorder because i was able to go about 3 days without b/p or restricting.... Bravo ED ill give you props, you sure know how to string me up like a puppet, i follow your every comand, just wonderful. How i love my abusive relationship....

On a different note... I HATE THERPAY.... wait... i spelled it wrong.. but i think it gets the point across quite nicely,  anyway,my therapist... is making me do MORE DBT... yeah i know, ive been in DBT for over a month and i just got out, wohhoo... back in program, story of my life right? But other than a lovley little lapse of recovery by purging today (I have to go to the beach tommorow, and wear a bikini, give me a break) I have been doing quite well... translation, I feel fat and ugly, and have been eating waayy to much damn food to ever amount to anything. So obiviously its a surprise i havent been isolating at all, in fact, im out almost everyday. Even with another girl from treatment, shes still a twig, which never fails to get jelousy from me, especially when we tried on jeans together but shes fun... we even made out in Dicks sporting goods in front of some REALLY HOT skaters .... haha the look on the guy's faces... pricelesss! unfortuntly i later figured out tht one of those guys is from my hghschool, so that will be fun when vacation is over haha

As of right now, the only major problem ive been having latley is sleeping, I've been taking Ambien.. but whatever. I have been up 3 days in a row... this is getting ridiculous.


Well, heres to a better tommorow and a thinner (did i just say that?) future
-Sierra <3