ED and Erin

Despite plans to restrict.... I managed to squeeze down my 1500 calories, and keep it down! Though in reality I am punching myself for not going through with my plans, i know i need to keep my weight stable at the 106 i managed to obtain in treatment, even if i hate it. Still getting half my calories through a straw but working on increasing my actual food intake.

On a different note, i have a bonfire tonight (one of the main reasons i ate..... drinking+senior guys- food= bad bad idea) so one thing i can be happy about. I also recieved a letter from my friend in treatment, the one person i was able to be completly open with, told her about my sucicidal ideaologies (no longer an issue), she walked in on me purging, cutting... and still came to give me a hug when i needed one. We were really tight, skipping groups, smoking in the bathroom and taking our illegal "Renfrew Walks" off campus to buy soda and gum at the store haha. Oh Erin... i miss you so much. But yeah, her letter brightened my day cuz even though she had been through lots.... (as in deep deep cutting, meth addiction, sexual abuse, 4 sucicide attempts, and a feeding tube) she is still really chill and approachable. In fact he was the only person i can cry around, i never cry in front of people... never. And she was also the only person i know who would help me wipe the blood off my legs and arms, let me cry, and tell me it would be okay...even when she was triggered herself..... the world would be a much better place if there were  more people like miss Erin Carey <3... and most importantly she helped open my eyes to the fact tht, if your a good person.... no one cares what you look like, if Erin had been overweight or ugly (she wasn't... she had a body type similar to my own, which is average size) i still would've been amazed by her.... damn.... i really miss tht girl.....and it makes me so happy to finally hear from her, and actually inspires me to do my best eating..... In my mind, we all need a person like that, one who understands, and for those of us with eating disorders, someonbe like tht can be so hard to find.


-Sierra <3

Mia, Mia, Mia.... when will you ever learn?

Binge-purge..... all fucking week. Ug... and just as me and Ana were building our realtionship back up.... well anyways.... I have many contributers to my enhanced stress and descion-making levels.... both majorr factorsss into my binges. One being kyle, the 16 yr old begging for sex.... then there's my douchebag daddy, asking me for diet advice, and of course lets not forget the whole stitches episode and trying to stay clean of any cutting.

Plus, a friend of mine recently over-dosed, luckily she survived, and is out of the hspital but I am worried sick. I love her like a sister, and we've been through everything at Renfrew. Cutting, Purging, weight gain... everything. It would've literally killed me ED wise if she had died, who knew my pysche was so fragile, one horrible day sets  over the edge for a week or two... that cant be expert probelm-solving skills.....funny, i was a future problem solver in the 5th grade.... now its the future and look at my beautiful damn problem solving.... binging and purging the pain away....

Ah well, here's to a better body image, more to life, and a healthier obsession... peace.

-Sierra <3

Dear Ana...

Ah well fun visit to my dads house yesterday... Oh yes my daughter just got out of Treatment for anorexia and bulimia so I think I'll talk about my atkins diets and make ribs and cinnamon ice cream for dinner.... Thanks dad. So needless to say I have no sense of self-worth so icouldnt bear to tell him I'm vegetarian yet again, it been months... But he always goes on about how he thinks vegetarians are stupid. And then of course he gets of on asking ME for diet advice.... Oh sure we anorexics know how to drop weight but seriously dad. Just a lovley day over all and of course he had a scale in his bathroom.... Oh I just couldnt resist the allure of the scale... dropping 4 pounds in 4 days of heavy restriction? Is that even possible? I won't pretend that I don't absolutly love and crave it but my nutrtionist is gonna shoot me! Ah well, right now that I haven't been binge/ purging this restriction is just too delicious fir me to give up....Dear Ana.... I have to say our love-hate relationship is heating up now that MIA has pretty much deserted me since my trip to residential and inpatient....

Stitch me back up when I'm falling apart

well the last few days have been fun... Losing weight and of course my warped little brain absolutly loves it..urgg and then of course I had to be rushed to the ER after a particularlly messy cutting incident, needless to say came back home with a few new stitches... Just wonderful, and the worst part is, the only part of that night I remeber was the look on the nurses face as she was stitching me back together again...disgust. Is that really who I am? The girl in the ER, the girl on IVs and weight gain therapy, the girl with scars running up and down her arms ( legs, ankles) I don't want to be that person... Please help me, I need to feel something besides hurt, besides pain.... At least this time I had someone to stitch me back together when I've fallen apart once again.